left and leaving, part II

It's okay to put things down, to find something else to do with your thoughts.
To stop looking over your shoulder, to let things go.
Relief for a cluttered mind.

"Here is the charge I carried, the ballast
I chose to go down with,
the ponderous soul.
Here is the light I was born with, love.
Here is the bleak radiance that levels the world."
- Louise Erdrich

how do you want to go?

These are a couple of the videos I've had to watch for the Sociology of Death and Dying class that I'm taking:

A Death of One’s Own from BillMoyers.com on Vimeo.

Watch Facing Death on PBS. See more from FRONTLINE.

In which I outline my plan for world domination, and re-cap the tearful pep talk I gave myself late last night...

This new life takes some getting used to. Busy, busy, busy, and no one's quite sure whose turn it is to do what. I used to track the checking account to the penny, and now it's all I can do to clear off my desk every Sunday night. I haven't balanced the checkbook in 3 weeks and this is not like me. I know we're on the same budget, though, and with the new job we have a little more of a cushion. It'll just have to wait.

The weather's nice enough that everyone's windows are open. I'm learning all kinds of things about the new neighbors across the street, including their love of 80s metal. Could be worse. They could be...you know...doin' it. I used to fall asleep to Rockline when I was in junior high...I can sleep through some noodly guitar riffs.

I love this time of year. To me, this is the New Year. I make my resolutions and rev up the energy to blaze right through winter, the better to gain momentum and sail clear through the other side. I have goals for winter break: watch ALL of the Harry Potter movies. I've read the books over and over since they first came out, but have never seen the movies. That point of fact becomes important when talking to people about the series, because the movies have replaced the book details in people's heads. Also, I've noticed that certain elements that weren't as visually striking in the book really demand notice in the movies. For example, the Deathly Hallows sign, which is shown once, I think, in the book, and then referred to several times but not shown. For whatever reason, it never stuck in my head as an image, but more of an idea. Then I visited a friend's place this summer, and kept looking at this embroidered design he had hanging up on the wall. "Wait, what's this from?" I asked. He practically guffawed in surprise. "What?! I thought you said you read Harry Potter! That's the Deathly Hallows sign! My sister made that for me for Christmas!" I felt like an idiot. We'd just been talking about the series not a full day before. So, yeah. At the risk of losing the characters and events I'd populated my head with while reading the series, I need to sit down and watch ALL of the movies if I'm EVER going to be taken seriously as a nerd.

Oh, c'mon...like you would've immediately kno--oh, you know what? Never mind. 

Other plans include focusing on school, changing my work habits to be more efficient, and freeing up some time to study for the next promotion at my job. I've been super depressed at work for about the last month, like ridiculously depressed. So much to the point where it's starting to bleed into my study time and make it impossible to focus.

But here's the thing: Nothing's standing in my way except for me.

Work is good: The mean, scary, shitty boss is gone, and the interim boss is supportive and kind. Everyone's in a better mood, and I no longer have to personally deal with one of the nastier researchers because her project's over since my friend Paul, who was her research assistant, quit the lab in order to get a M.Ed. in Science Education up in Somewhere-Ridiculously-Beautiful, WA.

School is good: I have about 8 classes to go until I graduate, and it's all stuff I'm excited to learn about. By this time next year, I could be in my last semester and fulfilling the promise I made myself at 17, when I found out I was going to be a mom. A teen mom. A homeless teen mom. A homeless teen mom who was quickly learning how to take a punch and stay standing. I'm SO CLOSE.

Family life is flippin' excellent: We successfully launched Thing 1 into college, and Thing 2 is doing great in 8th grade. Nick is making up for a decade of sleep deficiency, and not only is he happier than I've ever seen him, he's still picking up slack so I can focus on school when I get home.

So there is really NOTHING preventing me from making this a good year, except the part of my brain that likes to pick at emotional scabs and wallow in misery. But, like I said, this is a time for new habits. It usually takes about six weeks to make something a habit, so I'm giving myself until the MN conference to get my act together. The first week in November, I should be in a much better place. Right? Right. Booyah.

give out

Reason #24 that I miss you: You held yourself accountable to me. For whatever reason, whether it was your nature or because you saw that I needed it.

I show up. It's just what I do. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, and sometimes I come across as a commitment-phobe because of that tendency, but the up-side is that I do what I say I'm going to do.

I get so tired of those empty, polite promises people make, the ones I take seriously because I'm not good at reading all of those hidden social cues that other people take for granted, the ones people make that are never meant to be followed through. I can't remember if I ever complained about it, and that's how you knew, but I always appreciated it when you showed up. You skipped out on a lot of other stuff, usually half-hearted plans based on some social hierarchical algorithm, and would tell me about it later, but you never skipped out on plans we made together. You showed up, you made the time for me, and it meant the world to me.

all of it

How was your weekend?

Thanks to a combination of upcoming inspections (as in tomorrow morning) and a three-day weekend (which left 4 days in which to do 5 days of work), I worked nearly 12 hours, today. After I got home, I showered and got to work on a paper for my Wednesday class. I'll get up in 7.5 hours and do it all over again. My brain is officially fried. Super glad I don't have anything on the schedule besides work and school, this week.

Later this week, I'll attempt to document the 2012 Labor Day Weekend Vacation Fail and Attempted Salvage Thereof. It involves a psychiatry museum, torrential downpours, me quietly crying on the couch Saturday morning, and a surprisingly delightful drive through Missouri back-country. It does not, however, involve anything resembling our original plans.