In addition to being a twitchy mess thanks to self-induced
finals/paper-writing, I've lost several close friends to
suicide/accidents at this time of year. It's just a BAD time for me. The
weak, watery sunlight barely penetrates the cloud of foggy memories
that marks past grief. I try so hard, every year, to be different, to be
hopeful and exhilarated by accomplishments and gains in the past year.
Despite my bravest efforts, however, my brain continues to rebel,
insisting on commemorating the past, lost loves, missed opportunities.
Is this what keeps me grounded, in lieu of sanity? The day I stop
wallowing in past misery, will I relinquish my hold on reality and adopt
the mindset of the untroubled and privileged, forgetting my friends who
didn't make it, the spirits who goad me and beg me to carry on in their
memory? Without them, would I keep pushing? Without them, would I be
happier?
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