this sums up my mood as well as anything these days:

vignettes

In lieu of actual writing, such as I should be doing for my classes, I present highlights from the last few weeks: Today: reading an essay regarding the Musee Cluny, realizing I've stood exactly where the author describes, and grinning like a fool.

Yesterday: walking around Hastings with Nick, after a day spent eating, wandering, and catching up. grinning like a fool.

Friday: walking over to the Spencer to see the Food Utopias project I was a part of, seeing my name in print, grinning like a fool.

Wednesday: an exhausting, busy day. the Kansas Union stairwell smells like a congregation of farts. I sit in my chair, feeling isolated from the rest of my class. one of the girls takes my picture for the London Review book. I look better than I feel, but my mood brightens a little. Courtney presents on number stations at this month's nerd Nite. hearing the metallic recitation of numbers makes my blood run cold.

last Friday: Middle of the Map fest. Nick and I walk around, listening to bands and seeing familiar faces in the crowd. Grizzly Bear's set captivates me. they have gigantic jars full of lights, encased in netting and suspended by pulleys. by turns, they resemble: floating jars of fireflies, translucent jellyfish, liquid fireworks, sperm swimming heavenward.

last Monday: I have several great visual pieces for the London Review book. in idea form only, though. I sit at my computer, realize I don't have Photoshop. I despair. I submit a page of overheard quotes, instead, after a futile attempt at corralling classmates with Photoshop skills into bringing my ideas to life.

Wed March 27: in Environmental Sociology, we begin watching a documentary about strip-mining, titled The Last Mountain. I despair for humanity. it takes us three classes to get through the entire piece.

February 2013

Why haven't I been writing in my journal? Well, I've been writing in the paper journal and taking pictures with the MagicSpacePhone I bought myself for the London trip. It's a phone, camera, e-reader, note-taker, and occasionally makes tiny hops into the future on a subatomic level. So, without further ado, February in pictures:


We had to replace our antique desks with cubicles. I pouted. Then I got to work. First thing, address the lack of natural light. Our office was once an x-ray room. I made a pretend skylight out of the fluorescent light panel.


I'm hell-bent on transforming the office into a rainforest cave of sorts. There's a small tree on the other side of the cubicle wall to my right.


Then it snowed, and Stealth was pleased, and I was like, "Oh, lovely! Snow!"


I helped my friend Ruth, since she had a knee replacement. then I did a little light reading.


Then we had a weird false dawn, thanks to city lights and cloud cover. This was taken an hour before actual sunrise.


Then the sun actually came out, and I was pleased. People in Russia were not so pleased.


During a break at work, I figured out how to do fishtail braids.


Then it snowed again, and I was like, 'Oh, boy."


KU closed campus, but I had to report for work.


Then, it snowed AGAIN. And I was like, "Just. Please. Stop. Before the trees collapse."


Nothing to do that night but read and commune with Stealth.


KU closed campus AGAIN. I still had to report for duty.


Reflecting on how, even at 37, I feel like a teenager sometimes.


My favorite blizzard pic. No alteration, just a combination of lamplight and reflected city lights.

I happened on a house built of living light where everything evil disappears and dies

Big plans on the horizon. In between the exploding-bomb dreams and daytime reveries, I'm planning a tiny documentary of the London trip. No matter what I get, I'm setting it to this song. Some days, I feel like I'm living my 20s in my 30s. There are worse things, considering what my teens and 20s consisted of.

To everyone in those tiny factory towns, who said I couldn't and shouldn't: thank you for the reverse psychology. It worked. I never dreamed I'd be having so much fun with this life.

When they love you, and they will 
Tell 'em all they'll love in my shadow  
And if they try to slow you down 
Tell 'em all to go to hell 
When they love me, and they will 
I'll tell 'em all they'll love in your shadow 
And if they try to slow me down 
I'll tell 'em all to go to hell...


 

file under: more clonazepam, please

On Thursday, I received a letter from Women's Health Laboratories, informing me that my recent pap was normal and encouraging me to have another done in 1-3 years. On Saturday, I received a phone call from my doctor's office, informing me that my recent pap was ABnormal and urging me to schedule a medical procedure as soon as possible. Cervical cancer was hinted at. Stunned, I set up an appointment for January 11. After I hung up, I thought back to the letter and tried to call the doctor's office back. They're out until this Thursday.

I survived, sort of

I sat in a wooden coffee-shop chair for nearly ten hours, yesterday. I revised, composed, and pored over reference pages for improperly hanging indents. I switched back and forth, between APA and MLA formats, until I had half a dozen tabs open.

I ordered a Mole Mocha and the barista asked me if I wanted whipped cream and cinnamon, because that's the only way she can drink it. I said sure, why not. Back at my table, I stirred the whipped cream into the drink and watched the surface become a cinnamon-flecked oil slick. It took me nearly ten hours to drink it all.

With nothing but a pane of glass between me and the sidewalk, I typed for hours, a storefront display for weekend shoppers. People walked past: fellow students with over-stuffed backpacks, young families with over-stuffed strollers, a few locals walking dogs and running errands.

I watched outside turn from foggy daybreak to wintry sunlight to early twilight. The street lights came on, then the spirals of fairy lights that decorate our downtown trees' bare branches winked on. The day-shift barista left, replaced by another who shouted weekend plans at the back of her head as she hurried out the door.

Early-morning runners came in, followed by families running errands, followed by study groups, followed by grad students with project binders, followed by post-shopping coffee-getters, followed by people grabbing coffee to kick off their evening.

I took mental breaks, staring out the window. I people-watched. I got up, used the bathroom, stretched, refilled my water bottle. I tested sentences out loud, under my breath. People came in, sat next to me at the window, finished up, left. I stayed.

I finished my papers, only to find there were no assignment submission links yet. I saved my documents, texted Nick to let him know I'd be home soon, put my cup and saucer in the bus bin, re-packed my bag, and shivered all the way back to my car. When I'd left the house, it was foggy and 65.

I walked into a crisp winter evening, with a stiff breeze running around building corners and down my shirt. My car didn't have a ticket on it, the 2-hr parking signs must not have been for the entire lot. I drove home, feeling drained and a little woozy. I smelled like coffee beans, radiators, and old floor varnish.

I woke up this morning feeling ravenous, like I'd run a marathon.

I didn't see it coming

In addition to being a twitchy mess thanks to self-induced finals/paper-writing, I've lost several close friends to suicide/accidents at this time of year. It's just a BAD time for me. The weak, watery sunlight barely penetrates the cloud of foggy memories that marks past grief. I try so hard, every year, to be different, to be hopeful and exhilarated by accomplishments and gains in the past year. Despite my bravest efforts, however, my brain continues to rebel, insisting on commemorating the past, lost loves, missed opportunities. Is this what keeps me grounded, in lieu of sanity? The day I stop wallowing in past misery, will I relinquish my hold on reality and adopt the mindset of the untroubled and privileged, forgetting my friends who didn't make it, the spirits who goad me and beg me to carry on in their memory? Without them, would I keep pushing? Without them, would I be happier?

balance, focus, rinse, repeat: in which I complain about my tooth

Right now, I'm juggling a lot of oranges. I'm still getting used to my new job duties, trying to spend time with Nick and Thing 2, and trying to come up with 40+ pages or original material by December 5th. I've given up on trying to study for any final exams until I get these papers and presentations put together.

I'm having trouble focusing, however, due to a poorly-set crown on one of my molars, which my dentist installed a few weeks ago. I'm fairly certain it's not fully covering the original tooth (or what's left of it). I take 800 mg of ibuprofen 3 times a day, now, just to keep the pain down to a dull roar. I can't drink anything below room temp without searing pain, and warmish-to-hot liquids still hurt, just less. I chew on the left side of my mouth, and wake up a few times a night from the pain. Due to my work and school schedules, I can't make another appointment until after classes finish. I find it really hard to focus on writing, though, with constant pain. My dentist won't prescribe anything stronger than ibuprofen, and my regular doctor won't prescribe anything for a dental problem. Doctors are so afraid of helping drug-seekers score, that people with actual pain suffer needlessly. My biggest worry is that the exposed part will start to decay because of exposure to bacteria and acids, since there's no enamel to protect it. I can't dwell on that thought, though. My only focus right now is keeping my shit together until finals wrap up.

accept this, too

I'm looking forward to reading this book I got from the library, Exit: The Endings That Set Us Free. It ties in closely with the Sociology of Death class, exploring how people say goodbye to places, things, and other people. In class tonight, we talked about the grieving process and how it varies by culture, gender, locality, and so on. Primary loss, secondary loss, disenfranchisement of loss. Big ideas.

I can't look my advisor in the eye, these days

I'm taking an AWFUL lot of Sex and Death classes. Of course, Sociology and Psychology offer plenty of classes on the subjects, but mainly I take them because they're SUPER-INTERESTING. I'm trying to temper the lust and morbidity with a little do-goodery, so one of my classes next semester will be Environmental Sociology. That should balance out the Sociology of Sex Roles and Psychology of Human Sexuality classes. Lord knows what fodder they'll give me for the Non-Fiction Writing class I'm also taking.

wuv, twue wuv...

Overhearing gripes about a recent wedding. Too over-the-top. Overhearing (STILL!) gripes about gay marriage. Why is the next logical step ALWAYS marrying one's own pet?


I'm in no position to pass judgment. I showed up to my wedding in pigtails and a flower garland, and appropriated dialogue from The Princess Bride for the officiant's portion of the ceremony. I don't care if you're sitting in front of the minister on circus ponies with a squirrel monkey ring-bearer (although, please may I be invited?) and use a confetti cannon instead of throwing rice (please, seriously, invite me if this happens). All I ask is that you mean what you say, when you say it, and don't get divorced 72 days later.

all of it...it just keeps...going

Time wears away, dulls memories, dulls experiences. Sometimes that's a blessing, sometimes that's a curse. I spent the first part of my grown-up life with these lyrics in my head:  

Some things...will never change 
They just stand there looking backwards 
Half unconscious from the pain

Thinking to myself, "This guy knows what it's like to be me, what I've had to survive, how I stand every day looking backward half-unconscious from the pain of my MEMORIES."

Fine, I was 19 and may have misheard the lyrics a bit. Of COURSE it's a song about heroin. They all are.

Anyway, right now it's a blessing to forget and let some things fade. I'm changing habits left and right, trying to shake myself out of this funk. I start with lists. Sometimes the lists get me through the next hour, but mostly they get me through the next few days. I pay the bills, I go to appointments, I cross items off my lists. I feel productive and useful.

 I get to work before sunrise and get out of class after dark. I'll miss the sun but my skin will be amazing. That must be the secret to my amazing skin: my late teens and 20s spent sleeping during the day and working all night may give me cancer someday, but my corpse will look a good ten years younger. So, I've got that going for me.

I went in yesterday for a pre-crown appointment, the logical end and culmination of Medicaid dental services from 1995. Just in time, too, as small pieces of the cheap filling started to crumble away last week. I had to go right back in this afternoon for a new temporary, as the first one didn't seal correctly. The pain was so bad that I cried in the dentist chair. I was so embarrassed. I didn't even cry from the twisting grinding pain of childbirth or the dull ache of bone break when my face got smashed, but there I sat, leaking tears like a kid. Toothache can bring down monarchies, I'm sure of it.

left and leaving, part II

It's okay to put things down, to find something else to do with your thoughts.
To stop looking over your shoulder, to let things go.
Relief for a cluttered mind.

"Here is the charge I carried, the ballast
I chose to go down with,
the ponderous soul.
Here is the light I was born with, love.
Here is the bleak radiance that levels the world."
- Louise Erdrich

how do you want to go?

These are a couple of the videos I've had to watch for the Sociology of Death and Dying class that I'm taking:

A Death of One’s Own from BillMoyers.com on Vimeo.

Watch Facing Death on PBS. See more from FRONTLINE.

In which I outline my plan for world domination, and re-cap the tearful pep talk I gave myself late last night...

This new life takes some getting used to. Busy, busy, busy, and no one's quite sure whose turn it is to do what. I used to track the checking account to the penny, and now it's all I can do to clear off my desk every Sunday night. I haven't balanced the checkbook in 3 weeks and this is not like me. I know we're on the same budget, though, and with the new job we have a little more of a cushion. It'll just have to wait.

The weather's nice enough that everyone's windows are open. I'm learning all kinds of things about the new neighbors across the street, including their love of 80s metal. Could be worse. They could be...you know...doin' it. I used to fall asleep to Rockline when I was in junior high...I can sleep through some noodly guitar riffs.

I love this time of year. To me, this is the New Year. I make my resolutions and rev up the energy to blaze right through winter, the better to gain momentum and sail clear through the other side. I have goals for winter break: watch ALL of the Harry Potter movies. I've read the books over and over since they first came out, but have never seen the movies. That point of fact becomes important when talking to people about the series, because the movies have replaced the book details in people's heads. Also, I've noticed that certain elements that weren't as visually striking in the book really demand notice in the movies. For example, the Deathly Hallows sign, which is shown once, I think, in the book, and then referred to several times but not shown. For whatever reason, it never stuck in my head as an image, but more of an idea. Then I visited a friend's place this summer, and kept looking at this embroidered design he had hanging up on the wall. "Wait, what's this from?" I asked. He practically guffawed in surprise. "What?! I thought you said you read Harry Potter! That's the Deathly Hallows sign! My sister made that for me for Christmas!" I felt like an idiot. We'd just been talking about the series not a full day before. So, yeah. At the risk of losing the characters and events I'd populated my head with while reading the series, I need to sit down and watch ALL of the movies if I'm EVER going to be taken seriously as a nerd.

Oh, c'mon...like you would've immediately kno--oh, you know what? Never mind. 

Other plans include focusing on school, changing my work habits to be more efficient, and freeing up some time to study for the next promotion at my job. I've been super depressed at work for about the last month, like ridiculously depressed. So much to the point where it's starting to bleed into my study time and make it impossible to focus.

But here's the thing: Nothing's standing in my way except for me.

Work is good: The mean, scary, shitty boss is gone, and the interim boss is supportive and kind. Everyone's in a better mood, and I no longer have to personally deal with one of the nastier researchers because her project's over since my friend Paul, who was her research assistant, quit the lab in order to get a M.Ed. in Science Education up in Somewhere-Ridiculously-Beautiful, WA.

School is good: I have about 8 classes to go until I graduate, and it's all stuff I'm excited to learn about. By this time next year, I could be in my last semester and fulfilling the promise I made myself at 17, when I found out I was going to be a mom. A teen mom. A homeless teen mom. A homeless teen mom who was quickly learning how to take a punch and stay standing. I'm SO CLOSE.

Family life is flippin' excellent: We successfully launched Thing 1 into college, and Thing 2 is doing great in 8th grade. Nick is making up for a decade of sleep deficiency, and not only is he happier than I've ever seen him, he's still picking up slack so I can focus on school when I get home.

So there is really NOTHING preventing me from making this a good year, except the part of my brain that likes to pick at emotional scabs and wallow in misery. But, like I said, this is a time for new habits. It usually takes about six weeks to make something a habit, so I'm giving myself until the MN conference to get my act together. The first week in November, I should be in a much better place. Right? Right. Booyah.

give out

Reason #24 that I miss you: You held yourself accountable to me. For whatever reason, whether it was your nature or because you saw that I needed it.

I show up. It's just what I do. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, and sometimes I come across as a commitment-phobe because of that tendency, but the up-side is that I do what I say I'm going to do.

I get so tired of those empty, polite promises people make, the ones I take seriously because I'm not good at reading all of those hidden social cues that other people take for granted, the ones people make that are never meant to be followed through. I can't remember if I ever complained about it, and that's how you knew, but I always appreciated it when you showed up. You skipped out on a lot of other stuff, usually half-hearted plans based on some social hierarchical algorithm, and would tell me about it later, but you never skipped out on plans we made together. You showed up, you made the time for me, and it meant the world to me.

all of it

How was your weekend?

Thanks to a combination of upcoming inspections (as in tomorrow morning) and a three-day weekend (which left 4 days in which to do 5 days of work), I worked nearly 12 hours, today. After I got home, I showered and got to work on a paper for my Wednesday class. I'll get up in 7.5 hours and do it all over again. My brain is officially fried. Super glad I don't have anything on the schedule besides work and school, this week.

Later this week, I'll attempt to document the 2012 Labor Day Weekend Vacation Fail and Attempted Salvage Thereof. It involves a psychiatry museum, torrential downpours, me quietly crying on the couch Saturday morning, and a surprisingly delightful drive through Missouri back-country. It does not, however, involve anything resembling our original plans.

left and leaving

And then there are times like this, where I get hit with a wall of missing-you that knocks the wind out of me and sends me under.